This past week I have been thinking about the changes life brings as we grow up and grow old. Its funny really how we get these ideas of how our life is going to be and we put it into action always hoping for the best. I graduated, moved to Ft. Collins with the idea that I would be a hair dresser, soon I gave up on that, very surprised because I had thought that's what I would do for a long time. While I was going to school, I worked at Lonestar. There I got really involved and moved up to where I went to other stores to manage, not what I had planned but it worked for me then. I was kind of a free spirit back then so it was easy. I met a really nice boy and we dated for a bit, thought we'd be together for a long long time, but as you can see that wasn't in the cards. With that great restaurant experience I was able to land myself a job at Yancey's food service, also not in the cards but I went with it and I was happy. Some may look at it as a failure and sometimes I feel bad that I never saw my original plan through, but as I look back now, what if I never worked at Yancey's? I would have never met my GUY!!!! So a change of course was the best thing for me. I am so lucky to have him and I wouldn't take any of my changes or not so great choices back. So 13 and a half years later and I am at another place where a change I can't control is about to take place. This week I was giving Angel a massage and as he lay there quietly I was thinking to myself, thinking about how I envisioned our lives to be as we raised our kids and grew old together. I had no doubt that we would be together forever. It was so disappointing looking at him lay there and truly realizing that this is a change in my life I can't control. I think those are the changes that are the hardest. When you graduate you go out on your own with a plan and along the way we may tweak it a bit here and there. Maybe move, maybe be something different then we had originally planned, those are the easy changes. The exciting ones. I am not sure I am up to the challenge of my future changes because I'm not being given a choice, but I will somehow figure out how to embrace them and face them with courage and strength.

So are you wondering where this change talk is coming from?? Well this weekend is being devoted to some pretty amazing graduates and young ladies that I love dearly and I hope that their upcoming changes are amazing and exhilarating and that their new paths are everything that they are hoping for and envisioning. I know that life isn't always easy and I know we don't always get what we want, but I wish for them to have many great things take place in their lives and hope that they won't have to endure negative change. I'm sending positive vibes to them for a great future!        
   
   
               

Ugh, feeling down these past few days! I am still just in disbelief that we have been doing this chemo bullshit for just over a year. I think that we really took the bull by the horns with all of it, trying to keep life as normal as possible for us and for the kids but I also think that its my way of hiding from whats going to actually happen here. You know you can always have hope but the reality is, is that we are on someone else's clock, CANCER'S,  just waiting and wondering whats going to happen next or when this craps going to take over. Its so frustrating and depressing. Plus selfishly again, I'm like how the f am I going to do this!!! When I think about the future I almost crumble to the ground, my legs just about give out and that feeling where you could throw up takes over my throat. Typically I change to a different thought, but this weeks been hard. I feel my mind slipping on everything. I cant keep my shit together. Angel hasn't felt good at all and his spirits are low, it breaks my heart and makes my mind all discombobulated and shit. Sometimes I wonder if the people we interact with everyday even really know what we are going through, you know since we make it seem so, I don't know, easy, trying to live life as normal as possible. Well it wasn't too bad for us this last year, we've had good times and some times that have been more difficult but honestly now, I kind of feel like we are at that place where you say to yourself "This Shits Getting Real!" The journey that I am embarking on is scary, I'm so scared. Right now I'm on this mission to bring peace and calmness to my life. I really want to be around positive uplifting people so that I can feel that way as well. You know that saying, "you are what you eat", well I think that's true with how we act as well. If your with good people they will help you be good. I want to go with my motto of making everyday a good day. I need that with what we have ahead of us but sometimes its hard though, because you run into those jerks that just have no clue how to put a fucking smile on their face or offer a simple hello just so that person who's having a life changing event may have a little bit better day! It's not just one isolated place, it's everywhere, the school, the store, just all around. Please people, love one another and raise your friends or even strangers up, give some hope to this Crazy world, make a friend, acquaintance or even a stranger feel good! Please I need it and I know others that do too!

Angel and I enjoyed a fun night out last week, it was hard for us to get motivated as we were both feeling really down, but we mustered up the energy and headed out! Ended up being really great. So glad we added another memory for me to hold on to! Plus look at how handsome this guy is, I am so lucky!