The main reason that I want to write is to inspire and to show my strength but I have decided to throw a little curve ball to everyone with my first piece! Its been almost three months and I feel like I have pretty much been on auto pilot since Novemver 21st! Taking care of business with the kids, getting a house and running around getting some shananigans out of the way! Ok I admit it, Ive been up to a lot of shananigans but I think it was well deserved and have no regrets. But as I slowed down and took a minute to think about how much I had been running and avoiding all of the important things I fell into a vulnerable place, the worst place I have been since the day Angel got diagnosed on March 21st 2013. Once I got over that day and wrapped my head around the future I was able to get a grip and be there every step of the way understanding what the future would hold. What I didn't understand is that grief would come in waves and hit me at the oddest moments once Angel was gone. For over 24 hours I could barely function, I layed in bed, crying, crying my eyes out, vomit sitting in the back of my throat. Almost angry that he left me here to have to trudge through this life alone. I got married so I wouldnt have to be alone, I dont want to be alone, I want my husband, my friend, my partner in crime. Now I have to parent these three monkeys all alone and to top it off I have to go through the dating game again? Really? Awful, how could he do this to me. We all know it wasn't his fault, but he's not here so blaming him seems like the way to go. How could he do this to me? As a new day rolled around I headed to the gym with extremely large bags under my eyes ready to tackle a new day. Well what do you know I see Angel's cancer doctor there at 5 am. Yes, yes I did start to cry as I walked on that treadmill asking myself what the hell is going on here? I was almost in shock that a second day of this was about to ensue, really Dr. Moore, don't come to the gym anymore! Its crazy to go through this and spend so much time in one place and see someone so often, then its all over and you try to go on. Seeing Dr. Moore took me back to the time we were fighting for time, it made me sad to realize its all over! Its all over! I don't even know where the time went, where did 20 months go? Hell, where did 14 years go? I'll tell you, it went and it went fast. So many thoughts go through your mind, like the big one, did I do enough? I hope I did, I hope I gave him everything he needed, not just through the cancer journey but through 14 years of marriage.

I guess what I want you all to know is that I am good, but I'm not good all the time. I guess I should expect to have waves of grief coming and going through my life for ever probably, I don't like it but I think it is a natural process in starting a new life and a new journey of my own. As much as I want to push those moments away I will have to accept them, embrace them and try to learn from them!