Chuckling at myself....its been awhile since I have been able to take the time to get back onto my blog, but as I logged back in I thought to myself, Yep this is my blog and I'm still a little crazy! I guess some things never change.:)

Our lives however are still changing daily as we ride this roller coaster. I feel like the last month has flown by and dragged on all at the same time and most days I can barely think straight. Angel got to where he was really feeling bad and we were devastated to find out that another treatment had failed us again. So one day we are doing a trial and the next we aren't, one day we are at Disney World and the next we're at the hospital. It's just always something and to top it off I am trying to keep life as normal as possible for the kids and you know what that means, all that parenting, the good and the bad are still there everyday!!! SLEEPY!

But I would do it all mostly the same if I had to do it all over again. The first thing I am so glad we did when things were tough over this last month was have an Amaze Balls Birthday Party for Angel! That guy is so loved and I was so happy to see so many people that have known him for years or even just a year show up and celebrate with us! A true testament to how wonderful his Ora is. Secondly I am so thankful that we went with our gut and chose not to do a trial. Wow, if we would have waited for a 30 day wash out we would have been up shit creek without a paddle!! I don't think we would have been able to get him back. For thirds, so so glad we took the kids to Disney World. Yes it was hotter then Hell and rained like no other but the kids had a blast and the memories will last a lifetime. What I would change is the pain that followed the trip that sent Angel to the hospital. That was sad and scary and I am so glad we now have his pain under better control. We have had company after company!!!(translate yourself) And now tomorrow we are going back to chemo! Ugh, I am not going to LIE, I know, I never do, but I'm a little nervous. Angel and I need some good news. Seriously!!! this shit worked before it better work again, we need time to make some more memories!

(oopsie, should have posted in June! still a good read though)

    

This past week I have been thinking about the changes life brings as we grow up and grow old. Its funny really how we get these ideas of how our life is going to be and we put it into action always hoping for the best. I graduated, moved to Ft. Collins with the idea that I would be a hair dresser, soon I gave up on that, very surprised because I had thought that's what I would do for a long time. While I was going to school, I worked at Lonestar. There I got really involved and moved up to where I went to other stores to manage, not what I had planned but it worked for me then. I was kind of a free spirit back then so it was easy. I met a really nice boy and we dated for a bit, thought we'd be together for a long long time, but as you can see that wasn't in the cards. With that great restaurant experience I was able to land myself a job at Yancey's food service, also not in the cards but I went with it and I was happy. Some may look at it as a failure and sometimes I feel bad that I never saw my original plan through, but as I look back now, what if I never worked at Yancey's? I would have never met my GUY!!!! So a change of course was the best thing for me. I am so lucky to have him and I wouldn't take any of my changes or not so great choices back. So 13 and a half years later and I am at another place where a change I can't control is about to take place. This week I was giving Angel a massage and as he lay there quietly I was thinking to myself, thinking about how I envisioned our lives to be as we raised our kids and grew old together. I had no doubt that we would be together forever. It was so disappointing looking at him lay there and truly realizing that this is a change in my life I can't control. I think those are the changes that are the hardest. When you graduate you go out on your own with a plan and along the way we may tweak it a bit here and there. Maybe move, maybe be something different then we had originally planned, those are the easy changes. The exciting ones. I am not sure I am up to the challenge of my future changes because I'm not being given a choice, but I will somehow figure out how to embrace them and face them with courage and strength.

So are you wondering where this change talk is coming from?? Well this weekend is being devoted to some pretty amazing graduates and young ladies that I love dearly and I hope that their upcoming changes are amazing and exhilarating and that their new paths are everything that they are hoping for and envisioning. I know that life isn't always easy and I know we don't always get what we want, but I wish for them to have many great things take place in their lives and hope that they won't have to endure negative change. I'm sending positive vibes to them for a great future!        
   
   
               

Ugh, feeling down these past few days! I am still just in disbelief that we have been doing this chemo bullshit for just over a year. I think that we really took the bull by the horns with all of it, trying to keep life as normal as possible for us and for the kids but I also think that its my way of hiding from whats going to actually happen here. You know you can always have hope but the reality is, is that we are on someone else's clock, CANCER'S,  just waiting and wondering whats going to happen next or when this craps going to take over. Its so frustrating and depressing. Plus selfishly again, I'm like how the f am I going to do this!!! When I think about the future I almost crumble to the ground, my legs just about give out and that feeling where you could throw up takes over my throat. Typically I change to a different thought, but this weeks been hard. I feel my mind slipping on everything. I cant keep my shit together. Angel hasn't felt good at all and his spirits are low, it breaks my heart and makes my mind all discombobulated and shit. Sometimes I wonder if the people we interact with everyday even really know what we are going through, you know since we make it seem so, I don't know, easy, trying to live life as normal as possible. Well it wasn't too bad for us this last year, we've had good times and some times that have been more difficult but honestly now, I kind of feel like we are at that place where you say to yourself "This Shits Getting Real!" The journey that I am embarking on is scary, I'm so scared. Right now I'm on this mission to bring peace and calmness to my life. I really want to be around positive uplifting people so that I can feel that way as well. You know that saying, "you are what you eat", well I think that's true with how we act as well. If your with good people they will help you be good. I want to go with my motto of making everyday a good day. I need that with what we have ahead of us but sometimes its hard though, because you run into those jerks that just have no clue how to put a fucking smile on their face or offer a simple hello just so that person who's having a life changing event may have a little bit better day! It's not just one isolated place, it's everywhere, the school, the store, just all around. Please people, love one another and raise your friends or even strangers up, give some hope to this Crazy world, make a friend, acquaintance or even a stranger feel good! Please I need it and I know others that do too!

Angel and I enjoyed a fun night out last week, it was hard for us to get motivated as we were both feeling really down, but we mustered up the energy and headed out! Ended up being really great. So glad we added another memory for me to hold on to! Plus look at how handsome this guy is, I am so lucky!

There's a lot to think about when starting up a blog, I am finding this out. I had to come up with a profile name, a name for my blog and a url name and I have to say I am quite pleased with all my decisions. I used Crazy a few times in my names because, well quite honestly I am known by my niece and nephew as crazy aunt Jill so I thought it was appropriate. Also our life is Crazy, we try to never have a dull moment in our house and Cancer has made it even Crazier! But what I really love and I feel like is really true to me is my url name, lovinglifenotlovingcancer.blogspot.com, hmm so true. Growing up and even now I can honestly say I love my life and the craziest thing about that, is it was not always easy growing up, lots of moves, with that came people problems (I hate bullies) lots of family issues and lots of crazy in my life. Then as an adult the crazy just kept coming with more family shit, but somehow I can honestly say I love my life. Maybe its because my grandma always told me that everyday is a new day, when you wake up and your feet hit the floor you put a smile on your face and make the best of it and that's what I do every single day! Are there little things I would change or make better yes of course but do I need more, not really. Well I would like to be skinnier!:) Oh and go on a shopping spree when I am skinny!:) But in all seriousness I do love pretty much everything about my life except that one Stupid thing, CANCER! I've tried to make sure I use my grandmas advice as I trudge through this shitty situation but sometimes its hard, I feel so sad and not happy that we have to go through this. Sad for myself and scared, sad for my babies but mostly sad for Angel. This part of life I don't love so much. Actually I f-ing hate it. It sucks ass and quite honestly I don't want to do it, why, why me? I'm feel like a child here, I can't go through this, not yet, I'm not mature enough for this. So see there you have it, the explanation for my url name....


                                                     lovinglifenotlovingcancer
                                               .blogspot.com   


  

It seems like every time I turn around I'm seeing a new blog about this and that so I thought what the hell, Ill do one myself! I love to write and I love to talk about my feelings, kind of. It seems like there is never enough time to sit down and just visit with a friend and really let them know what we are going through. It is also just easy to ignore how we feel. But no longer, I will go forward laying it all out there for the world, or maybe just a few blog followers to hear, uh read I mean! Mostly you will find me talking about our crazy life, crazy because we never really stop, my kids are always a movin" I am always movin' but mostly complaining the whole time about how tired I am and crazy because my hubby has CANCER and that's just some CRAZY SHIT!!!